Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word
Question: What do former Time Warner CEO, Jerry Levin, former Citigroup CEO Sandy Weill and (soon to be former?) Washington Wizard, Gilbert Arenas have in common? Answer: They each have their issues with saying, "I'm sorry."
Of course, that trait is not unique to them. Elton John recognized it as such a standard characteristic of the human condition that he and his lyricist Bernie Taupin wrote a song about it. Here's the hook:
It's sad, so sadElton and Bernie were right. It's pretty absurd how hard it is to say, "I'm sorry."
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word
Here's the recap on the three examples mentioned above. As reported in the Financial Times, Jerry Levin apologized on CNBC this week for selling Time Warner to AOL for $164 billion 10 years ago. The operative phrase there is "10 years ago." I think that qualifies as a little late. A few days earlier the Sunday New York Times ran an article on Sandy Weill and how no business people want to play with him anymore. (The article was titled, "Citi's Creator, Alone With His Regrets." )
Now under partial government ownership, Citi is selling off a lot of the businesses that Weill put together as CEO. According to Weill, he feels "incredibly sad" about that but assigns the blame mainly to his hand-picked successor as CEO. Finally, there's the case of NBA player Gilbert Arenas who thought it was a good idea to bring his handguns to the Washington Wizards locker room. Always the joker, Arenas thought it would be funny to suggest to one of his teammates with whom he was having an argument that he select one of the guns and the two of them shoot it out. Strangely, the teammate didn't see the humor in that and drew his own gun. Fortunately, no shots were fired. For the first four or five days after the story broke, Arenas pretty much blew it off as a big laugh but after an interview with the cops eventually acknowledged that gunplay in the locker room wasn't such a great idea.
Since it's hard to go through life without making a mistake, it's important to know how to say, "I'm sorry." Those two words are a good starting point but more is needed. Here, then, are some tips on how to apologize:
Own It: A credible apology begins with actually believing and understanding that you have something to apologize for. If you're not there yet, don't apologize. You'll do more harm than good. If everyone around you seems angry and you don't understand why, it's time to...
Get Into Their Shoes: Find some people you trust and ask them, "What did I do wrong and what should I do to make amends?" Be prepared for some tough responses. Resist the urge to defend yourself. Listen and ask open ended, follow up questions to deepen your understanding. Be sure to thank them for their candor when the conversation is over.
Say It: A good apology begins with the phrase, "I want to apologize to you for (insert your screw-up here)." You might go on to briefly explain what you were thinking but be sure to spend more time demonstrating that you understand and regret the impact of your action on others. A bad apology sounds like, "I'm sorry if anyone was offended or hurt by or misunderstood my actions." It seems like athletes do this version all the time. You need to be sorry for what you did, not for how people might have misunderstood or reacted.Don't Deflect: Whatever you do, don't deflect the blame to others. (Seriously, don't you hate it when other people do that?) No one wants to hear why other people were at greater fault than you. They especially don't want to hear comparisons that your mistakes weren't as bad as other people's mistakes.
Be Timely: Sometimes better late than never isn't. It's really important to apologize as soon as your recognize the mistake and understand the impact of it.
Fix It: Conclude your apology with a commitment to fix the situation as much as possible. Most of the time that fix will begin with the sincere commitment to not make the same mistake again in the future.
What would you offer here? What are the elements of the best apology you ever heard? How about the worst? What are the tell tale signs that an apology is needed?
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Executive coach Scott Eblin’s goal is to help you succeed at the next level of leadership. Throughout the week, he’ll offer his take on the leadership lessons in the news and his advice on your most pressing leadership questions. A former government executive, Scott is a graduate of Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government and is the author of The Next Level: What Insiders Know About Executive Success.
Good overview about effective apology. I especially like the part about consulting a trusted advisor about specifying what you did wrong and what kind of restitution you can made. But there are much better ways to begin an apology than "I want to apologize to you for . . ." Wanting to apologize is no more to apology than wanting to diet is to losing weight. It has nothing to do with wanting; it's about doing. My book, Effectve Apology, has moe to say about the language of apology.
John Kador Posted Wednesday, January 6, 2010 5:13 PMSuper article. I hope that you have follow up articles.
In our culture an apology is too often an admission of guilt. Something to be held against you especially at review time. It can rven open you to legal trouble.
Wise Old Owl Posted Thursday, January 7, 2010 8:13 AMExcellent advice. Thanks for giving the example of how it should be done.
MH Posted Thursday, January 7, 2010 9:10 AMIn Wed. Washington Post, there is a great photo of Arena mockingly shooting his teammates one by one in their huddle.
He should be fired. He's a disgrace.
Pam Boteler Posted Thursday, January 7, 2010 9:34 AMShoot basketballs, not guns. Maybe then they might start winning.
I guess the adage, "don't do anything you will be sorry for later," no longer applies in our society.
Fed Posted Thursday, January 7, 2010 9:35 AMThis is certainly an ingrained human problem. Even those celebrated for their greatness can have the problem. I'm reading the excellent biography of John Adams by David McCollough. McCollough describes the "antagonism" between Adams and Thomas Jefferson that began when Jefferson, an ardent supporter of the Jacobins and the French Revolution, labelled the more cautious writings of Adams "heresies" in a foreword to a Thomas Paine book. While Jefferson, then Secretary of State, explained to President Washington that he did refer to Adams when writing the foreword, though he did not name the Vice President, he blamed the PUBLISHER for adding the line rather than taking responsibility. Further, when he wrote to Adams to apologize (3 MONTHS later), he blamed Adams for creating the public problem by publishing anonymously (under the name Agricola) a criticism of Jefferson in a Boston paper when Jefferson knew full well (from Hamilton, then Treasury Secretary) that it was NOT Adams who wrote the piece. It was only 20 years later, when both were old men that Jefferson and Adams would put the controversy to rest, even though both were relatively more amiable than the press or historians before McCollough documented.
Jefferson had as much problem saying I'm sorry in a timely manner and owning it as any of your modern day examples. Being truly and openly sorry seems to be the hardest action. Another contemporary musician, New England folk singer Bill Morrissey, points out that sorry often rolls off the tongue, but if there's no feeling behind it little good is accomplished.
Dave
PS I'm not just picking on Jefferson because he founded a rival to my alma mater in Virginia either. :-) Go Hokies!
Dave B. Posted Thursday, January 7, 2010 9:43 AMScott, the "don't-deflect" principle is interesting. I believe it was Richard Nixon who immortalized the most famous passive-voice phrase of all time -- "Mistakes were made" -- as a way of probably relieving the psychic pain that would have been associated with saying "I made mistakes" or something even harder, like "I let the entire country down," etc. Since a passive-voice construction can hide the subject, then hey, lots of people made mistakes! (I'm just the President of the country.)
Mark Leheney Posted Thursday, January 7, 2010 9:44 AMIt is also interesting in an age where accountability is all the rage that many of the high-profile, failed CEOs in post-mortem interviews still adamantly deny that the collapse was their fault -- Kozlowski,Fastow et al. The talk-track now seems to be "My subordinates didn't tell me what they were doing." Plausible deniability? Or something like that?
I guess I may be in the minority here because frankly I am tired of hearing people aplogize for anything and everything. Taking ownership these days also appears phoney to me. One is sorry ONLY becvause they were caught. How about stepping back, thinking before you act or engage your oral equipment, consider the consequences and fall out of your impending action, and get it right the FIRST time. People today seem to think they can do anything to anyone at any time, blame someone else or some inanimate object and an apology fixes it - well it doesn't. Not for me! Not anymore.
Al M Posted Thursday, January 7, 2010 10:55 AMExcellent advice. If you're looking for a lighter way to get this across to someone, try the Dr. Seuss's book, Bartholomew and the Oobleck. The king has made a big mistake and oobleck is raining down devastation on the kingdom. If I recall correctly, the king has a chance to end this by admitting his error, but pride gets in the way. Little Bartholomew tells the king, "If you can't say you're sorry, you're no kind of king at all!"
Jean A. Posted Thursday, January 7, 2010 1:41 PMThe best apologies I have heard start off acknowledging 1) what was done, 2) why it was done, and 3) how it impacted the injured party. Then, 4) apologize with feeling and 5) find a solution for the future.
Something like: "When I didn't invite you to the meeting(1), I didn't realize that you had extensive knowledge in this area(2). I did not mean for you to feel that your opinion and thoughts are unimportant (3). I'm very sorry (4) and will make sure you're included in the future (5).
Any other ideas????
miscellaneous fed Posted Thursday, January 7, 2010 2:36 PM